Fearing the worst, Obama Administration outlaws the fan to prevent it from being hit by certain objects
World ends; S&P soars
Riddle of universe solved; answer not understood
Meek inherit Earth, can't afford estate taxes
Greece abandons Euro; accountants find Greece has no Euros anyway
Wheel finally reinvented; axles to be gradually reinvented in 3rd quarter of 2013
Bigfoot found in Ohio, mysteriously not voting for Obama
As Santa's workshop files for bankruptcy, Fed offers bailout in exchange for control of 'naughty and nice' list
Freak flying pig accident causes bacon to fly off shelves
Taliban revise burka policy after realizing uncovered women can do more damage to US military than suicide bombers
China's Peoples Daily launches attack on New York Times in what State Dept classifies as "friendly fire" incident
Democrats seek experienced Somali pirates to launch "Pirate the Vote" campaign in battleground states
Ohio elections: Obama promotes Somali pirate participation with promise of pre-paid propaganda parrot with each swiped ballot
Children blame their parents in pro-Obama music video produced by the Menendez brothers
Special Ops: if Benedict Arnold had a son, he would look like Barack Obama
As hurricane Sandy remains undecided about where to make landfall, Frank Luntz books her for next focus group
Obama apologizes to Muslim community for foiled Federal Reserve bomb plot, blames despicable Capital One credit card commercial, promises to arrest Alec Baldwin
Americans prepare for obnoxious Thanksgiving relatives by watching reruns of Biden/Ryan debate
Obamacare experts promise that hospital patients will soon be able to see Alren Specter's head get attached to Joe Biden's body
Republican War Machine sent one of Romney clones to Debate Obama
Obama: "Let them eat statistics"
Pakistan explodes in protest over new Adobe Acrobat update; 17 local acrobats killed
Tragic spelling error causes Muslim protesters to burn local boob-tube factory
Obama to Middle East flag burners: "You didn't burn that, somebody else made that happen"
FBI's billion dollar facial recognition software malfunctions after scan of Nancy Pelosi's face
Hurricane Isaac: a preview of things to come if Republicans go through with their plan to deregulate weather
Obama declares Tampa a Federal Disaster Zone; DHS relocates Romney, Ryan to FEMA-approved refugee facilities
Obama to Evangelicals: Jesus saves, I just spend
Troubled Harry Reid again arrested for DWI, resisting arrest while naked
Obama and Democrats alienate yet another loyal voter bloc: Necro-Americans
Unregulated Americans rampage and pillage following regulatory Czar Cass Sunstein's resignation
Team USA beats Nigeria by 83 points after receiving email from Nigerian prince offering 3 gold medals each if they send him theirs first
Tropical storm Ernesto: countdown begins to MSNBC exalting it as "Hurricane Che"
Koran-Contra: Obama secretly arms Syrian rebels
Witness: "The line at Chick-fil-A was so long, I thought Obamcare had already been implemented."
GM profits plunge 41%; CEO to make desperate statement in favor of traditional marriage
Official: China plans to land on Moon or at least on cheap knockoff of it
Rep. Sheila Jackson Lee (D-Texas) sponsors House Resolution to have Mercury (Hg) removed from Periodic Chart as a means of fighting pollution, global warming
Obama blames previous Olympics for failure to win at this Olympics
Media to refer to gold medal winners as one-percenters
John Kerry: "Send back those medals - it's the only fair thing to do!"
Obama apologizes for U.S. Olympic success: "They didn't win that."
Olympic Committee to withdraw medals from non-unionized athletes, give them to deserving Public Employee Union members
Study: If water boarding were a sexual preference it would be part of public school curriculum
Obama Administration reportedly runs food stamps across the border with Mexico in an operation code-named "Fat And Furious"
Experts: Communism is to Socialism, what Bud is to Bud Light
Did you know? Dead plants and animals are an environmental tragedy; dead border patrol agents are just a statistic
Report: Obama too half-white to address half of NAACP delegation
Latest figures reveal Obama leading Romney, 117 to 55, in using first-person pronouns "I" and "me" in speeches
Cancer once again fails to cure Venezuela of its "President for Life"
Experts have little hope for Venezuela surviving late-stage metastasized Chavez
In addition to giving your wedding gifts to Obama, you can now also write Obama into your will, family trust, or grant him power of attorney over your estate - all through innovative online service at Legalchoom.gov/grift
Obama re-election campaign announces Independence Day fire sale of "old-fashioned White House junk"
Proof of "God particle" found; ACLU files suit against astrophysicists
Midwestern farmers hooked on new erotic novel "50 Shades of Hay"
"How to Impeach a Supreme Court Justice" debuts at #1 on New York Times bestseller list
Justice Scalia: "Hitting refresh on Drudge Report isn't going to make wording of healthcare decision any different"
Obama Admin launches new series, Game Of Drones
MSNBC: Rodney King dies as a result of wounds sustained in 1991 police beating
White House: Manufacturing millions "I Heart Gringos" welcoming guest worker uniforms will save or create enough jobs to compensate for the 800,000 taken away by new arrivals
Catching up with President Kardashian, Joe Biden changes name to Hilton, uploads sex video
Jay Carney: Nat'l security leaks are proof that President is fulfilling promise of most open and transparent administration ever
Canadian Cannibal admits to being influenced by Occupy Wall Street chant 'Eat the Rich'
Mostly peaceful dems on Twitter mostly peacefully declare they want to mostly peacefully kill Governor Walker
Walker wins; two MSNBC hosts commit suicide live on air
Obama: 'As soon as Bush walked back into the White House, unemployment went up'
Bloomberg to restrict children's access to Food Network in NYC metro area; shows with high-calory content to air after 8pm
Obama meets with Jewish leaders, proposes deeper circumcisions for the rich
White House confirms Obama has daughters and spoke of 'sons' merely out of gender-blindness: 'We all know that sexual organs are a discriminatory social construct that must be deconstructed'
Historians: Before HOPE & CHANGE there was HEMP & CHOOM at ten bucks a bag
Study: Obama doesn't like "fat cats" because he is a "dog person"
Dems claim their attacks on Haley, Palin, Ann Romney are not "War on Conservative Women," but rather "Domestic Feminist Contingency Operation"
Biden launches his 2012 campaign to get thrown off ticket by blaming Tea Party for bad economy
Obama to Cory Booker: a mind is a terrible thing to use
Summer dead; Gore blames climate change
In attempt to recover $2 billion loss, JP Morgan Chase renames itself Chasebook
Poll: Progressive slogan 'We should be more like Europe' most popular with members of American Nazi Party
As election campaign heats up, Obama promises students to forgive their sins
Study: 99% of Liberals give the rest a bad name
Democrat geneologists: every time you drop litter on highway, Elizabeth Warren sheds a single tear
Democrat strategist: without government supervision, women would have never evolved into humans
Michelle: My stick is bigger than Barack's
Breaking news: one year later, Bin Laden still dead
Obama in Afghanistan: American chicken is going home to roost
Elizabeth Warren claims kinship to Sitting Bull; receives Indian name of Lying Cow
Obama: Killing one terrorist is a triumph, killing millions of jobs is a statistic
May Day: Anarchists plan, schedule, synchronize, and execute a coordinated campaign against all of the above
Study: North Korean Army threats as credible as White House news briefings
Obama to Congress: my government, my business
WH news briefing cut short after Jay Carney's pants spontaneously self-combust
Catholic Bishops order supersize confession booth for James Carney
Romney campaign requests Obama's fourth-grade book report on World of Dogs; Obama says, 'I ate it'
Insulted by Romney's accusation of them doing Obama's bidding, enraged media demand immediate instructions from White House on how to respond
Hillary in Colombian bar: Read my hips!
Planned Parenthood introduces Frequent Flucker reward card: 'Come again soon!'
Obama: If I had a mother, she'd look like Trayvon Martin's
Study: Ozzie Guillen's beatdown by U.S. media not as bad as beatdown in Cuban prison for speaking out
Olbermann: "They fired me for wearing a hoodie!"
Cheney gets new heart; nation also hopeful that Biden gets brain, Obama courage, and House drops on Pelosi
Trayvor Martin shooting causes fear of backlash among Latinos with old-Jewish-guy names
In effort to escape vigilante justice, George Zimmerman changes name to George Dylan
Larry Sinclair: : If I had a son, he'd look like Barack Obama
Secretary of Energy Steven Chu: due to energy conservation, the light at the end of the tunnel will be switched off
To raise awareness about how unattractive respiratory disorders can be, Obama's FDA bans over-the-counter sales of asthma inhalers
Turning disaster into success, Disney renames failing "John Carter" movie to "John Reagan"
Voters Without Borders oppose Texas new voter ID law